Honest To Blog

This is completely unedited. Straight from my head to this post. I just needed to get it out of my brain. A lot of my work with Neurofeedback is with anxiety, and I know that sometimes to process emotions and situations properly, you need to have them there and you need to feel the feelings, in order to let them go. And this is my way of doing that.

Do you ever get so paralyzed with fear, that you just can’t function? You feel like the walls are closing in, and your hear it going to beat right out of your chest.

I had one of these episodes last night. It came on really suddenly, like a panic attack, and lasted all night and into today. I could not stop my heart racing last night. I was restless, and could not sleep. I didn't sleep. I lay there trying to calm down, and not being able too. I've been having a lot of anxiety over silly things lately, but this was by far the worst it’s been for a long while.

I am not really a religious person, I mean I respect every one's right to believe in whatever and whoever they want to believe in, and I still, don’t know what or who I believe in, but last night I silently prayed to the universe to take this feeling away. To make everything ok.

I am still not feeling right today. I feel anxious. I feel hungry, but the thought of eating makes me feel sick.

I have a terrible fear of ‘getting it wrong’ of doing something incorrect and letting people down. I've been in such awful environments that were quick to place blame and punish, and, as they say, old habits die hard. It’s something I’m trying really really hard to work on. To know that I am not perfect, and I am not living in a perfect world. That I am human, and that I can, and do, make mistakes. And I will continues to make mistakes throughout my life. I am getting better. With people who I trust implicitly, there is no issue anymore. Because I know there is no judgement. But I still struggle with people who I don’t trust or know that well, and even the thought that I might do something wrong, and it will affect them, sends me into such a spin. I’m talking, even mailing something to someone. I’m terrified that I didn't do it right, that I got the address wrong, that the postman will deliver it to the wrong place and I’ll be blamed. Things that are totally and utterly out of my control. And I know they are out of my control. But, I can’t help feeling this way. Even, yesterday, I rang to book my car in for a service, and the place I usually use, will book it in so that they will do it while you wait, if you ask. So I asked this new place, and they flat out refused, telling me they needed it for at least half a day, and it made me feel so dumb for not knowing that. And that is so completely ridiculous, but that's how it was. It worked out ok, because after I calmed down, I realised there were things I could do in that half day, like get my eyes checked, get my hair cut, etc. But there was that moment of sheer panic, 'what the fuck am I going to do?'.

I've come a long way, but I still have a way to go. And, I’m lucky in a lot of ways, that I have the support system, and tools to be able to deal with these anxieties, and that I've realized what they are, and that I don’t want them any more. It’s just hard sometimes to break the cycle.