Honest To Blog

So, this is just a spill out everything that is in my head post. It's not aimed at anyone, and it's not some passive aggressive way of dealing with stuff. It's a 'I need to get it all out of my head' thing. A few things have been going on this last month, and it’s getting to me a bit, and I've been fairly down the last few days.

My business partner left, and now my business is sort of up in the air. I've made the decision to work for myself, and now I have to explore some possible other areas of income. I know my skills are in high demand, and I shouldn't be worried, but I am. I have a mortgage, and responsibilities. And, Jesse and I want/need to buy a new house fairly soon. I've never been in business for myself, and it’s overwhelming. I want to do it, and I’m prepared to put in the work, I just feel like I don’t really know where to start.

I also feel lately that I’m not doing the things I really enjoy doing. Like cooking. I've been lazy, and I haven’t spent any real time in the kitchen for ages. Part of that is because I simply can’t afford to buy the ingredients I need, to make the things I want. This sucks. And I also feel like I’m in competition and constantly being compared with people I don’t even know. I have been cooking and baking for years, and I am good at it, and shouldn't care what other people think, or care that they judge me, it’s their issue, not mine, but sometimes it’s just too much. Sometimes you need to feel like someone is on your cheer squad, and I don’t feel like that right now. And, I think that’s why I’m put off. And it so silly, I mean, there was a time people were paying me to make their cakes. And I pulled off a 6 layer rainbow cake, in my tiny oven!

I just feel like everything I try to do at the moment is shot down, and that’s getting me down, so I’m not even trying. And that’s really dumb. And I’m processing a lot at the moment, there is a lot going on in my brain. And I’m fortunate enough to have the tools to be able to deal with that processing, and I started actually using them last night. I feel better this morning for having done that, and as long as I keep it up, I know I’ll come round.

And I kind of feel like I've got so many plans, and they are all just stuck at the starting gate. And that really frustrates me. I feel like at the moment it’s all talk and no action. And I don’t really like waiting. If I make a decision to do something, I want to get it done. And that’s not happening, and I don’t know what to do to move things along.

I also know that everything will work out. I know that I will find an income stream in a lifestyle business. Maybe more than one, if things go the way I plan.

Sometimes you just need to get all this stuff out of your head. I’m going to go and have a Neurofeedback session now, and I’m also going to make a cheesecake tonight. These things I know will cheer me up. Vacuuming also does the trick, if the first 2 fail, I might have to whip it out when I get home. 

I also might eat a kebab at lunch.